A Swift Kick & SomeTough Love

My adviser told me to have something to say. Especially when you write lyrics…obviously there should be something said, a message conveyed. So I’m sitting here listening to “Lay Em Down” by Need to Breathe thinking…hmm we just need to Lay Em Down. You know this place in infectious…a person has to really battle to stay afloat…not gonna lie…I’m glad it’s a challenge sometimes. I’m glad things eat at me until I have to sit down and get into the Word. I’m glad I will most likely not be content often. Just this one repeated topic keeps appearing. So its time to lay down my thoughts. Lets be real for a minute ya’ll…please think about this seriously, because if you are not already…you might be very close to being stuck distracted by this world’s definition of love and not God’s.

Psalm 59:15-17

They wander about for food
   and howl if not satisfied.
But I will sing of your strength,
   in the morning I will sing of your love;
for you are my fortress,
   my refuge in times of trouble.

You are my strength, I sing praise to you;
   you, God, are my fortress,
   my God on whom I can rely.

Does anyone else see there is this one huge similarity everyone has in this area….no one is happy just being single. Not gonna lie I’m generally pretty happy about my singleness…mostly because I realize my relationship with God is more important at this very moment. It’s just not time. Hallelujah. But that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with the thoughts…what if? What if he hadn’t just gave up? What if that other he hadn’t just disappeared from my life? “I wonder about that guy…he’s kinda cute”. No of course…being human I have my moments….I’ve just noticed lately I’m the one having the exact opposite thoughts. Its not time.  So what changed?  How about a fuel in my heart powered by Gods love for his people. To want to pour so much in and not to be distracted at this time.  I am just beginning to sink into full time ministry…Hello Awesome Time in my life!!!!

When I love I love 100%...its a blessing and a curse. This means that 1. I will probably make a super awesome wife someday (I hope) 2. I have an accidental tendency to pour too much into that one person and get distracted. Evil knows how to use a good thing and make it wrong. Now I’m not saying that I will absolutely not date anyone right now because of all this…but I’m also not in the game to just date…and defining what that “just date” actually meant took me the past 6 months to figure out. Its fresh in my mind…made up from being realistic and listening to the Holy Spirit so that when I’m told to hang it up and run the other way I will. So hard. Do not even act like that’s easy…I know I’ve heard it a thousand times from myself and others…”but what if”…”but I just like that person so much”. Yeah. Truth hurts. Stop ignoring and start listening…it could save you from a ton of heartbreak in the end.

We all know that guy who just dates one after another after…another…. and another. And you just have to be like  “OOOOKAY! We get it…just calm down already!” Okay so check it…think about it for a minute.

1.   How many people have you dated or had a relationship with in the last year? IF there’s a pattern…notice that pattern. If you just move from one to the next…especially in the same place or area….people will notice.

2.   Was there a break in between the “dated” so you could heal and they could heal? This is the worst…. seriously boys and girls. Do not just start dating someone two weeks later. Its going to be a rough start. The guy is filling a void and the girl is wondering if he’s not still thinking about the last girl. And what about the girl recently ex’d. Well try not to take offense…realize you need time…and know God is there. I wrote a blog previously about how God is our father…and generally fathers are not happy about their daughters being mistreated. Guys…. imagine this. When you are inappropriate…HE is ALWAYS WATCHING! Imagine God showing up knocking on the steamed up car window while your making out saying “That’s my princess…get ur paws off FOOL!” haha kinda lil  Mr. T moment but yeah….scary! ^{(Hebrews 4:12-13)}"For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account." Everything is uncovered. And ladies…I know my relationship with my father was rocky for a while…the whole ex marine tough as steel thing did not work well when I needed a hug or told I was princess…. but….that is no excuse because I know through my relationship with my heavenly father that I am worth more than diamonds. He is with me always…even when my earthly father is not. Get your relationship with Him going…understand his love first because there is no one in this world who will ever not let you down at some time. One perfect man already came and died…but He saved us so we have life, and a greater purpose than to just exist thinking this is as good as it gets. From the sermon last Sunday the pastor said not to think the best days have already passed…but that they are to come. I don’t hang to the past because I know my future will be so amazing. I want something to look forward too…. and God is worth living for now.

3.            Honestly…have you thought about what you really intend from this relationship? Simply this. If you intend to just date.... then it will end 98% of the time in brokenness. If you intend marriage…make sure you are ready for what you intend. Oh and that other 2%...you don’t want to be the 2% that doesn’t have a feeling about anything that happened…that just a cold way of going about it…completely of self and no one else. I have a lot of faith in people if you cant tell from my percentages.

4.   Do you hold an unrealistic image of the person you want in your mind? So often we become obsessed with how great the other person is. You cant stop texting…stop talking…there’s no fault in them. Until there is…and there will come a point that when you find out all the ugly beneath and you had idolized them…that ugly may just tear you apart from one another.

5.   When you date do you disappear from your normal friends? Are people asking what happened to you? Be healthy about your time. Its not a bad idea to have days set that are no talking days…. and one that’s a date night. One that will be no texting. Or a set phone time. Don’t over do it right away…because we want to be your friend too!

6.   Are you distracted? Seriously…just like the previous question…. does everything now revolve around this person? YOU’RE NOT MARRIED YET! And even if you were…no everything is about that person…quite a bit more is yes…. but you have to know you can stand alone before you stand with another. Know who you are separately and grow in Christ…not by your uncontrollable texts and 3-hour nightly phone conversations.

7.   Is there an age difference? Seriously not to offend anyone but age does matter at least a bit…because where we are in life matters. I once sat down with a guy to talk about dating and discovered all the time we invested was nothing because we were in two different spots in life. He was Post College with his own place and a career and I was a Jr in college. Two very different places. Not that it doesn’t sometimes work…but it can be a large enough gap that you cant fill it. Especially when it comes to what we expect from a relationship. If I expect the man I date to be at all my college functions…. but he was not comfortable with that…well…gap. GAP! And okay…no offense…but I do remember when it was illegal for someone over 18 to date under 18. Please…save it. Truth. When you are 18…you have just began to know the world. When you are 19 you are like “okay I can pretty much do anything and everything by myself”. When your 20…your not a teen anymore. And when your 21…all you get is the ability to legally drink…. you still have a long ways to go before you know much at all about yourself and life. 21 has been a big year for me learning how to just live…. or truly live. You do not have to rush to find someone and get married. And for those that do great! But for those still beginning the search…proceed calmly with a clear mind. And Yeah I did that 16 dating a 19-20 year old thing…. and as a 16 year old girl…life is completely uncertain and you just begin to really get freedom to stay out late…drive…ya know the basics. As a 16-year-old girl I was all about my relationship…till it sucked me up and spit me out. Young men…listen. You will have a huge impact on that girl. My largest impact relationship was my first….and in some ways it was my worst. It paved the way for the next mistakes and thoughts that I did not understand. Young men…you may have daughters someday…don’t be stupid. “But I just like her sooo much” does not cut it. That’s what I call the beginning of obsession. Be obsessed with God. Respect his creation and understand if your main reason for dating someone is because you just “like her sooo much” your listening to your own self-thoughts. Why do you like her? Hmm? I can assure you “just because she’s pretty” or “ she’s so funny” is not enough. When the honeymoon stage ends…she’s not so pretty anymore…and the only comical part is how fast you want out of that relationship.

8.   What’s you dream? God plan is more important. If that person is not part of that plan…your fighting the wrong battle and you are pulling between two sides. I remember only one guy that I could sit with and get soooo excited over Gods plan for my life….and I didn’t even know what that plan was. Luckily for me that boy knew it wasn’t time to actually date me…and he let me go. I didn’t understand why then…but I do now. He was actually listening to God…and though I didn’t want too I knew it was okay. Talk about a real man. How many times do you know a man did the utmost right thing because he listened to God and didn’t just make up an excuse? Believe me I’ve heard all the “God told me excuses” LAMESAUCE! Tip for the boys *girls can tell by how you look at her…or don’t look at her at all if you were being honest and true in what you say. There is no hiding. And if you try to just be cold…then we really know. Don’t lie about what God’s moving you toward...eventually others will see too. He is not an excuse.

9.   Who are you following…God or that relationship. I know my biggest mistake is to think I can adjust my life to someone else’s…when I know full well I am actually pretty untamable and in the end God always wins my plans and future. For instance, I moved to Minnesota transferring colleges and all because a boy was involved. Yes he was part of it…I had a backup plan that I would just transfer again if it didn’t work out. STUPID! SO STUPID! Haha but God worked it out so well…even when I didn’t listen…I still found out who I am in Him…and how to rely on His love. I have no question I made the right choice even if it was partially for the wrong reasons. I know my passions, what I am partially meant to do with my life, how to serve and how to really live….to wake up blessed and happy because God presence is with me and Christ has his arms wrapped around me.

So…what now. I just slapped a few of you in the face….maybe even punched some in the gut. Tough. I have felt this urgency to just grab a few people lately and just say STOP FOR A SECOND AND LISTEN! Take a moment! Breathe! If you read this and are instantly in the “this is totally not me at all and I cannot relate” sit down and ask someone else to answer the questions from the outside…you may be surprised. Oh…and pick someone other than that special someone….a spiritual mentor or close friend who will tell you the hard truth when you need it regardless of the fit you will throw. And I know I mention the men a lot before talking to the girlies…and Id also like to add. Ladies you have a huge responsibility when you date that special young man. He cannot do everything…you need to be firm and grounded just as he should be. Know what you hold as morals…don’t tempt…reevaluate situations if you need. Helping him is part of our design. Be a woman of God…worthy to be praised…worth more than all the treasures of this world. Surround yourself with guidance too. The Holy Spirit often works through those around you. We just have to listen.

Men. The most attractive thing about a man is the moments he is with and following God. There is such a difference about a man who thrives from his relationship with God and sees your beauty for your relationship with God. He is still human and will make mistakes…but when Jesus shines in him…he will know what to do when he does even if it takes a bit of time to process. I desire conversation that is Spirit filled…the man who calls just to tell me a verse from scripture and nothing else. Who get so excited for what God did in his life that day or what could be done the next day. When I hear stories of married couples with complimenting spiritual gifts I just want to cry. How amazing when two people are so connected with God individually that he brings them together as one in such a magnificent way.

I see relationships as part of my ministry now. Who I date will affect that. My leadership to others should not be hindered but helped grow. To me it is not worth risking just any date. There should be pursuit….and time. There is nothing to rush and what I want…I remind myself is not as important as what God wants. God knows my desires…and as long as I am listening He will let me know when and whom He has planned for me. Each day I have to remind myself of that. I hope you do too.

Scripture to ponder...

Romans 5:5
And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

 Romans 8:27-28

 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

^{Jeramiah 29:11-12}
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

A Light in the Darkness

“He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings utter darkness into the light.” Job 12:22

It feels like days since the sun has shined. And not because this is the “dark state” …but because there is a thickness in the air…a darkness covering the area. Peoples hearts are heavy and even those who are not struggling below poverty line still carry this pain and lack of hope. You can see it on their faces. They have grown tired of fighting, and decided life is just going to be this way. How do I really know this? Well, aside from living 18 years of my life in this area I am already draining and I have been here for 4 days…
Really it is not about living without. Who cares if you buy your clothes from Macy’s or Salvation Army. Most of my shirts are less that $5 and I’ve learned that a pair of $10 skinny jeans from JCPennys will last longer than the $30 pair from New York and Company. I recognize that I will be lucky to ever live in a house again…and not an apartment. But I am also not bothered by it, but happier to make my home a home wherever it may be. What burns me out is not the small stuff anymore…but the quality of heart and hope around me. There is something about standing in line at the grocery store knowing that the checkout line wrapped around the aisle is all people paying for groceries with food stamps smelling like cheap cigarettes with whisky on their breath not saying a word not looking anyone in the eye if they can help it…and if my chance they do…all that is there is empty. The darkness of this area is exhausting.
For days now I have thought about this blog. In the car, the shower, the grocery store in that line…a small smile goes so far…but they want more from you really….God wants more from you…I have so much to give but am weighed down just thinking of how many people are walking around with those same cold empty eyes. Darkness.
Two years ago I was just as empty. I hated this area. I hated the poverty, the broken people, the improper English from lack of education, the people you knew got one shower a week maybe and had not used real shampoo in over a month or a comb for that matter. I just wanted out. I realize now that my hatred was formed because I did not know how to deal with that darkness. Really the only way to just walk on was to go numb…. until your eyes shown your emptiness. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I left. Even 6 months ago I would have said I would never return to this place. But God had different plans. I left because I had to learn how to do battle, how to refill so I could pour out again. And I needed to be in a place that was outside this type of darkness to do that.
Every community has its problems. There is always a spiritual battle to be done. And it is never a battle just won all at once but step-by-step. A lot of times too we feel its just too hard to reach out…when in fact its easier and less draining than the thought process of talking ourselves out of doing what we should. So in the battle of darkness…. here are some things I have learned.
There are always layers to brokenness and darkness. As a Residence Life college assistant we are taught that if someone is caught breaking a rule…generally there’s more behind that moment of defiance. And so far…that statement has not been proved wrong. There is always something under the surface…. bitterness, anger, depression…. and birthed from those are addictions.
Lack of hope in Gods purpose or not even knowing we have a purpose at all is heartbreaking. I went to college to be a worship major…to learn how to lead others in a purpose on earth….to worship God and bring Him glory! In that I have learned about love, passion, vision, grace, and forgiveness. I learned how to handle living in a dark place…to still shine even when I cannot see what is around the corner. To rely on God knowing the war has been won…though we still battle.

Love is what we all seek. Since we are born we desire to be loved. Does anyone else around here notice that people are seriously desperate?! So desperate to find someone they just dive right in, risk it all, hand their hearts over and connect with soul ties before they even know a fraction of the person. Before you know how God loves us, and love Him above all else…how can you possibly love another without leading to a selfish lust, a want for yourself and not really for the best of the other person? Who we marry does make a difference. Who we choose to love does make a difference. If someone holds more of our heart than God…we begin to rely to much on that person for other things…emotional satisfaction, physical satisfaction, mental needs, and eventually spiritual needs. We push God aside and then when we are let down by that person we are crushed. Listen please…no one on this earth is perfect. And the one man who was came and died because he loved us that much. Rely on that perfect man…not the guy or girl you think is just so amazing because they are what you think you want at that moment. You will always be let down. It is so hard to say no. I know that. But if you have to walk away…then walk away. Do not let yourself just go because you want to take this chance. If you trust…God will let you know and you will not doubt or worry. Prepare yourself to love like Christ loved and to understand who you belong too, and who is waiting for you to give your all to Him. God wants to form you into who you will and can be for Him and for your future spouse. Let Him.
Distractions-we all search at times for a distraction. We want to stop struggling for a time and think about something else. Whether it comes in the form of a new relationship interest, a TV show, video game, even Facebook…we all have this want to just have it easy for a time. Instead of a distraction…has anyone thought about just resting? Rest is so much different. Let go of all the added junk, seek quiet, and listen. Refresh yourself instead of piling on the distractions. Rest in God….cast all fears and anxiety on Him.
When bad things happen to good people. If you are serving in the kingdom….and great things are about to happen for Gods glory…expect to be attacked. Seriously, don’t play stupid and think you should not be prepared. You are already in a battle…why would you let your guard down right before you conquer another hill? Its like you make it to the top of that hill and the other side is about to retreat and you sit down build a fire and pour a nice cup of hot cocoa…yeah they are going to look at you and be like its go time! Push forward in the race! Why would evil not want to attack when so much good is going to happen?! Except to be tired, to need time alone in the word, to pray constantly, and to put the armor on everyday ready to take the fight as it comes. No excuse. No one said it would be easy…and defiantly not always a beautiful sight…but in the end it is all worth it…just one sheep is worth it.
Speaking on one sheep. Check out Luke 15. This passage in the bible is one I always refer too…if you haven’t already noticed. The shepherd left a ton of sheep to go get that one lost sheep and bring it back. Does anyone see the importance in this? Those sheep he left did not stray away…they were saved already…but that one sheep was so important that he would have let the others be killed in the lack of protection they had just to save the unsaved sheep. Its not saying sacrifice people all the time for that one sheep…but that there is sooo much value in that one sheep. It is all worth it just for one…Keep reading and you will find a parable of a lost coin and the lost son.
Even when they appear empty…the light can be relit. This past Sunday I participated in the worship team at the church I will be doing my internship at in March. Second service while preparing for the last closing song the pastor was reading a letter from a lady in the church who had found that God was bigger than many of her issues. As he is reading this letter I looked out and saw that the people in front of me were weeping…and not tears of pain…but of joy. They had found something they had searched for everywhere but couldn’t find on this earth. Rows of people…all ages…male and female were giving praise to Him with their tears and honestly I do not know if they realized. You could feel the Spirit move in that room…the Joy that was felt…yet still broken fragile pieces. Even if there is so much work yet to be done to piece that broken person back together…love has begun to heal and how could we all not praise Him in that moment. It was a struggle not to burst into tears with Joy with them.

How amazing is He whose love gave all for our sins.

Even in the darkness there is light. Jesus can always shine through. Even when evil takes all it can breaking people, God can turn it all around healing, restoring, and making it all for His Glory. We have to constantly remind ourselves of these things…press on when we feel so exhausted spiritually, mentally, physically. Surround ourselves with people that can help fill us and guide us, and spend the time we need to rest and be refreshed so we can be ready to pour out again. We know the battle will just continue each day…but so will the praise we give to God. We can choose to live looking at those empty eyes with love and praying our lives can and will make some difference even if it is just through a smile to that one person in the grocery store. Just one…is worth it. You never know how that one moment could affect that person…or what chain of reaction may come from a possible lifted spirit. My heart breaks to be that person…so much that it is almost painful. I want to rush up to the register and pay for that food being rationed by food stamps. I want to pay for them to be able to wash their clothes. Its $2 I know I can spare! Why are we, this rich nation, just letting all this go? One person cannot do it all though…but as a whole nation…we almost have no excuse. I heard a quote once that we have no right to read the Bible through twice when some in the world have never even heard of it….a little hope goes along way….and I think we all know there is a ton of hope in the Word of God. I asked myself today…when was the last time I just handed away a Bible? Honestly think about this…how many Bibles have you owned? Did you know someone without one? It’s not exactly hard to walk into a used bookstore and pick up a Bible for cheap. Also, it does seem bold to walk up to someone and just ask if you can pray with them and for them right then and there. Actually out here its very strange, but…if you feel that tug…and the Holy Spirit is like jabbing your side…do not walk away. I once had that feeling in the airport and ended up praying for a lady whose son just left for Iraq. She needed someone to hug and she needed that moment of blessing for her and her son. What if I had just walked by? It was small…but who am I to say it meant so little I shouldn’t have even bothered?
My point is…do battle…because if you believe…with all your heart and soul…you are already enlisted. There are no excuses now. Preparing and seeking brings us closer to God, who He is, how He loves, how He intended us to be…our purpose. Walk with His love shining on your face. Moses face glowed….G.L.O.W.E.D…..um yeah…need I say more? Listen to what tugs at your heart…you may just be the blessing someone needs to get through the day. And refresh and rest…burning out at the top of the hill is not an option. So here are the thoughts I needed to process for myself, my preparation, and my “hopefully” words of encouragement to you. Get pumped up…this is an exciting time to be a light in the darkness.

Verses to ponder

Job 27:8 “For what hope have the godless when they are cut off, when God takes away their life?”

Psalm 9:18 “But God will never forget the needy; the hope of the afflicted will never perish.”

Psalm 25:3 “No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause.”

Psalm 31:24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.”

Psalm 42:5 “Why, my soul, are you so downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”

Psalm 62:5 “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.
Psalm 71:14” As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more”.

1 Thess. 5:8 But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet”.

Through the eyes of Jesus.

A topic has been heavy on my heart….

I have two very close guy friends who have been there regardless of circumstances since I was a teen. They deserve a shout out…so Nate Beck and Tyler Ross…thank you for being the men you are. So why are they any different from all the rest? Regardless of my mess ups, their mess ups, what life threw at us all and the distances between…these guys have always looked at me the same. Through the eyes of Jesus. They do not judge me…and I know I am loved even when we are far apart. Its not a love of dating relationships…not even really a brother/ sister love. Its loving the way Christ loves and never thinking twice about it. This has inspired this blog…

Boys to Men.

A challenge needs to be made. If you claim to be a Christian man…prove it. We are influenced by this world…and that is an often excuse. The world pollutes…what do you do to clean up that mess when it covers you? I have been looked in many ways…as every girl has. In some cases I could put a fat suit on and I think someone would still look at me lustfully! Some look at me as a sister figure, a tough woman, a sexy woman, words used…beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, hott, and the opposite….

 let me tell you all something fellows….There is nothing more attractive than the man who looks at you with your true identity in mind. Daughter of Christ, cherished, gifted, loved by a King, worth a death on a cross. I’m not just another possible girlfriend, future wife, whatever you would see me as….I am a threat to evil, I battle, worship, and love with all of my heart when called too. Do you look at me as a woman of God, a daughter? Or as something else?

I challenge men and women…look at each other as through the eyes of Jesus and as children of God, His creation. When someone has wronged you realize….it is not necessarily their full doing, they may have let evil take a small foothold, but do not let yourself fall into a stage of bitterness, anger, hate. That’s what evil wants….do you not think evil smiles when we look at another and call them ugly, sexy, whatever other than they should be called?

Ladies, there comes a point when we choose who to hang around, date, marry. Be wise…your relationship with God must be firm first…there is a love greater than the love you will ever have with your husband….and your husband should be reflecting Christ with his actions, eyes, love…being led by the Holy Spirit, and seeking his own relationship with God so much so that it ultimately means more than his relationship with you. We are Gods and we must remember that. Relying heavily on the other person will not always be enough…when the hard times come we need to be able to fight together but separately as well. 

Men,

If you have torn the heart of one of Gods daughters…you owe it to her and yourself to make it right….even if all you can do is lay it on the table and ask for forgiveness regardless of fault. When people are hurt they are hurt. Sometimes it means more to know that we are cared for still even if it is not a situation where there will ever be a relationship or a friendship ever again. And men, when you come to the alter; you need to be ready to present your gift. Do everything to make sure the gift is acceptable. (Matthew 5:22-24)

When I went on my first official date my father sat on the porch shining his shotgun. (yes…he is one of those daddies). Every time I came home in tears over a boy…he got that crazy look in his eyes and occasionally again shined the gun. He is the type of man who watches the movie Taken and gets just so fired up ready to do battle for his daughter. I honestly believe it’s the same was with our Heavenly Father.  Ever had to confront an angry disappointed father young gents? Probably a little worse than just confronting the girl in the situation and trying to make that right first. Well think of it this way…not only does the Heavenly Father know exactly how you look at his daughter, think of her, what you say about her, he expects you to make it right with not only her….but Him. Be wise about this…leaving a pile of hearts behind on your path while trying to get closer to Him…will not win you any points (hypothetically speaking).

We know all this…. nothing I have said is new news. But it is important news.

Men you have a responsibility to live as though Christ lives through you…you will be the protector of you family, the leader not only in the home but in other situations as well. You represent so much and evil would love for you to feed it with lies of this world. Let your actions go...and you bring tears to the Father’s eyes. “How Deep the Fathers Love for us...How vast beyond all measure…that HE would give His Only Son…to make a wrench His Treasure”.  Regardless of her actions, do not go there…to that place where she becomes anything but what she should be…her problems are her own…not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to love unconditionally…even if it is not in a relationship manner. Have a heart that breaks for others, loves unconditionally, has the Grace of Jesus.  See through His eyes…

I have said it before and Ill say it again…ladies please read this carefully.

The man I marry will join me in ministry…and I will join him in ministry. We will do more good together than if we were separate…this is how I will know.  He will look at me with eyes and with a heart that reflects Jesus…. nothing is more attractive than a man who knows his place in the kingdom, worships like its just him and God in the room, has a soul that bleeds for others, and longs to do battle. And Ill know in Gods time…not my own.  If it seems like a good fit…maybe it is…but let God really have the final say…I’m not married yet…and I don’t have half the response about all this I should…I’m still learning, discovering, and giving my heart and all its broken pieces to God to form it to His plans and will. There’s a point when I had to learn not to let bitterness take over, still love when everyone is against me, and realize…when we are on the verse of something good and trials hit us…to keep going and not let discouragement or evils lies sink in. If you remember nothing else remember Love like Jesus would have loved.

Through the eyes of Jesus.

A topic has been heavy on my heart….

I have two very close guy friends who have been there regardless of circumstances since I was a teen. They deserve a shout out…so Nate Beck and Tyler Ross…thank you for being the men you are. So why are they any different from all the rest? Regardless of my mess ups, their mess ups, what life threw at us all and the distances between…these guys have always looked at me the same. Through the eyes of Jesus. They do not judge me…and I know I am loved even when we are far apart. Its not a love of dating relationships…not even really a brother/ sister love. Its loving the way Christ loves and never thinking twice about it. This has inspired this blog…

Boys to Men.

A challenge needs to be made. If you claim to be a Christian man…prove it. We are influenced by this world…and that is an often excuse. The world pollutes…what do you do to clean up that mess when it covers you? I have been looked in many ways…as every girl has. In some cases I could put a fat suit on and I think someone would still look at me lustfully! Some look at me as a sister figure, a tough woman, a sexy woman, words used…beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, hott, and the opposite….

 let me tell you all something fellows….There is nothing more attractive than the man who looks at you with your true identity in mind. Daughter of Christ, cherished, gifted, loved by a King, worth a death on a cross. I’m not just another possible girlfriend, future wife, whatever you would see me as….I am a threat to evil, I battle, worship, and love with all of my heart when called too. Do you look at me as a woman of God, a daughter? Or as something else?

I challenge men and women…look at each other as through the eyes of Jesus and as children of God, His creation. When someone has wronged you realize….it is not necessarily their full doing, they may have let evil take a small foothold, but do not let yourself fall into a stage of bitterness, anger, hate. That’s what evil wants….do you not think evil smiles when we look at another and call them ugly, sexy, whatever other than they should be called?

Ladies, there comes a point when we choose who to hang around, date, marry. Be wise…your relationship with God must be firm first…there is a love greater than the love you will ever have with your husband….and your husband should be reflecting Christ with his actions, eyes, love…being led by the Holy Spirit, and seeking his own relationship with God so much so that it ultimately means more than his relationship with you. We are Gods and we must remember that. Relying heavily on the other person will not always be enough…when the hard times come we need to be able to fight together but separately as well. 

Men,

If you have torn the heart of one of Gods daughters…you owe it to her and yourself to make it right….even if all you can do is lay it on the table and ask for forgiveness regardless of fault. When people are hurt they are hurt. Sometimes it means more to know that we are cared for still even if it is not a situation where there will ever be a relationship or a friendship ever again. And men, when you come to the alter; you need to be ready to present your gift. Do everything to make sure the gift is acceptable. (Matthew 5:22-24)

When I went on my first official date my father sat on the porch shining his shotgun. (yes…he is one of those daddies). Every time I came home in tears over a boy…he got that crazy look in his eyes and occasionally again shined the gun. He is the type of man who watches the movie Taken and gets just so fired up ready to do battle for his daughter. I honestly believe it’s the same was with our Heavenly Father.  Ever had to confront an angry disappointed father young gents? Probably a little worse than just confronting the girl in the situation and trying to make that right first. Well think of it this way…not only does the Heavenly Father know exactly how you look at his daughter, think of her, what you say about her, he expects you to make it right with not only her….but Him. Be wise about this…leaving a pile of hearts behind on your path while trying to get closer to Him…will not win you any points (hypothetically speaking).

We know all this…. nothing I have said is new news. But it is important news.

Men you have a responsibility to live as though Christ lives through you…you will be the protector of you family, the leader not only in the home but in other situations as well. You represent so much and evil would love for you to feed it with lies of this world. Let your actions go...and you bring tears to the Father’s eyes. “How Deep the Fathers Love for us...How vast beyond all measure…that HE would give His Only Son…to make a wrench His Treasure”.  Regardless of her actions, do not go there…to that place where she becomes anything but what she should be…her problems are her own…not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to love unconditionally…even if it is not in a relationship manner. Have a heart that breaks for others, loves unconditionally, has the Grace of Jesus.  See through His eyes…

I have said it before and Ill say it again…ladies please read this carefully.

The man I marry will join me in ministry…and I will join him in ministry. We will do more good together than if we were separate…this is how I will know.  He will look at me with eyes and with a heart that reflects Jesus…. nothing is more attractive than a man who knows his place in the kingdom, worships like its just him and God in the room, has a soul that bleeds for others, and longs to do battle. And Ill know in Gods time…not my own.  If it seems like a good fit…maybe it is…but let God really have the final say…I’m not married yet…and I don’t have half the response about all this I should…I’m still learning, discovering, and giving my heart and all its broken pieces to God to form it to His plans and will. There’s a point when I had to learn not to let bitterness take over, still love when everyone is against me, and realize…when we are on the verse of something good and trials hit us…to keep going and not let discouragement or evils lies sink in. If you remember nothing else remember Love like Jesus would have loved.

Fall Break Lessons from Penntucky

So Fall break…if I didn’t blog about the amusement that is my family, friends, and Penntucky….well…that would just be unfortunate. So what did I learn?

First off I learned the lengths my mother will for a good deal.

During the end of summer/after the back to school sale at JCPenny’s my mother digging through the sales rack discovered a pair of shorts for $1.55. When the clerk rang up her order the shorts tallied to a total of $2.77. Now…I would look at this and be like whatever…but no….my mother asks her to check again and ultimately walk back to the randomly thrown sales clothes to find another pair of shorts to prove they are actually $1.55. In the end the lady didn’t check, but just totaled them as such and move on in life…did I mention my mother also got a 15% discount for using her JCP charge card? Yes…yes she did get a whole 15% off of her $1.55 pair of shorts.

So what does this teach us….next time you pay that $13.99 for a pair of JCP womens shorts…please remember….some lady you read about in a blog paid $1.55 for those exact same shorts…also…think about this. What you pay on sale…still makes profit for these stores. And they are willing to put them on sale for about $2. $2 probably does not make them profit…but still…think about it. The value of objects…

During this shopping excursion 3 ladies asked me for store directions…they thought I worked there. A sales rep who saw this almost fell over laughing after the 2nd lady asked me for help. Generally (especially in MN) I seem slightly bold and frightening…but not in PA…oh no…I look to be the friendliest of all the sales reps and I’m not even one of them.

A note about my father. One night he decided he would show me pictures of his life. They basically consisted of his time in the Marines, hunting, and his little girl. Sure…now he is a more cuddle bear….but it is still important to note…trained to battle, likes to hunt, and Loves his little girl. ;)

In my family-an extended family of hundreds in my area- I would like to note this one important rule. It is absolutely imperative that even if you do not recognize the person or your relation to that person that you say hello and inquire about life. If you do not you risk offending even the most gentle of relatives…. which may offend other relatives and end you up in a pickle. Yes…I said pickle….welcome to Penntucky…we “red up our rooms” use a “sweeper” not a vacuum…and wear our Steelers gear to church on Sunday (which is actually totally appropriate in many churches of the area). Which leads to my next thoughts…

This Sunday I was part of the worship band at a church in Youngstown Ohio. Crossroads Community Church. The theme was linked to football and the staff and congregation wore their jerseys to the service. Now picture this…I thought it was slightly hysterical considering I grew up going to a school where maybe you had one kid brave enough to wear a browns Jersey. The worship team consisted of 4-5 different Jerseys…three being Steelers. right next to a guy wearing a Browns Jersey. If this were PA….I feel something would have been thrown. ☺ All in good taste…..(I hope).

To the guys in the band…I experienced a lot of “guy” moments this weekend. No worries...I’ve been the one girl in a lot of “all guy” bands…and really if you are in a band ...you have to be close enough to experience those flatulent moments human beings have…☺ Even during group prayer, and practice, and before Sunday service prayer…etc. I'm only sad I wasn't able to return the favor :)

But on a serious note…thanks to the fellows of the worship team…you were so much fun to worship with. Every one of you has a heart of gold…the fact that I was able to just show up and feel so welcomed…that’s just awesome. What you are doing in the kingdom is showing on your faces as Jesus shines through.
So on to a bigger subject. You know those moments when you know okay God wanted me here…just to hear this. Well that was my morning. This morning’s sermon just chucked out truth everywhere…and it covered a lot of topics. But really the whole morning reaffirmed one simple thing….its okay…suffering happens and will happen when your work is plowing through the darkness. If you live your life to battle…you battle. So its not a wonder that when things do come together for Gods Glory…troubles come. But God will be pleased with you (check out Romans 5:2-4& Romans 8:16-18 and 2 Cor. 1:5-7 & 1 Peter 4:12).
So I’m thinking…I have two months left…wow. I fly back to PA for Christmas…and technically all my semester long classes are done! I have 6 weeks of block and then internship. Gods working it out…I’m so excited for the possibilities…and really a close friend of mine Lindsay Beck said it exactly the way I see it right now….I get to go to work and worship…ever day. How much better does it get? My focus, my passion, my love, my job and life centered on worshiping and bringing others to worship. I want to give…every emotion I feel inside during worship to others and let them feel it too….that immeasurable love…love that brings you to your knees and wraps you in His arms. In order to battle the darkness and to be lit with the Holy Spirit in this world…we have to come before the cross…lay it down… humble…weep…and then stand with arms outstretched letting Him pour into us and give back the Glory for the work that can be done through us. He is waiting at the door…will you let Him in.?

"Understand that the sheepdog is a funny critter..."

We should all think seriously about this writing. I truly feel that I come from a family of sheepdogs. On my fathers side of the family all of his brothers served and I have relatives still serving for this country. My mother is a sheep. She is delicate, but in a beautiful way, but mess with her little lamb and she becomes a sheepdog. ☺ We nicknamed my father the Grizzly Bear for a reason. The man shines his rifle every time a boy makes his daughter cry. And consequently Little Grizz has become my family nickname. I have been raised a sheepdog… my service is for God, I am guarding the Church, the People. An example:
I have this inner urge to run to Uganda and serve in a ministry taking back the children stolen away by the Rebel Army, give them comfort, protection, bring them back to being children. They are Gods creation, and they belong to Him, my inner sheepdog wants to tear apart objects just thinking about it. As a side note, the Machine Gun Preacher ministry of Angels in Africa is a ministry I pray for daily. We can argue that the use of guns is totally inappropriate...but if it were your child, abducted, brainwashed, tortured...and someone told you they could bring them back...would you even question? That's a tough question...but I know my answer to that question. There is a battle between good and evil that has crossed from the spiritual to also the physical plane...and in this time...that is all too much a reality.
Another mentioned quality of the sheepdog is the ability to upset the sheep but without care because it is for their own good. I bark an awful lot…and sometimes its some ugly truth, like telling a young freshman boy that his foot-e-PJ’s are totally inappropriate and I’ve made people cry for small things. But in the end they thought twice…even if they still decided to wear those foot-e-PJS in the end. Ya never know when the sheepdog is right down the hallway and may pass you by. Being a college RA brings out the sheepdog in anyone….it actually forces most times ☺
I see this life as a battle. Part of me wants to rest, have total peace, and there is a time for that. But more of me loves the battle. When it takes 3 days of sleep from me all for one person to be saved, rescued from evils grasp, forgiven and redeemed, my sleep means nothing. What joy it is to serve wherever it is at. Those moments when we can give up everything for a time for another person for no other reason than because of Gods love in us working through us. I want to cry with others, break for them, with them. I want to battle. And I do. Do you?

Read this twice through…it is worth the time spent to digest it…and to really think about what is being said…just take it a layer at a time.


http://www.mwkworks.com/onsheepwolvesandsheepdogs.html

On Sheep, Wolves, and Sheepdogs - Dave Grossman
By LTC (RET) Dave Grossman, author of "On Killing."

Honor never grows old, and honor rejoices the heart of age. It does so because honor is, finally, about defending those noble and worthy things that deserve defending, even if it comes at a high cost. In our time, that may mean social disapproval, public scorn, hardship, persecution, or as always,even death itself. The question remains: What is worth defending? What is worth dying for? What is worth living for? - William J. Bennett - in a lecture to the United States Naval Academy November 24, 1997

One Vietnam veteran, an old retired colonel, once said this to me:

"Most of the people in our society are sheep. They are kind, gentle, productive creatures who can only hurt one another by accident." This is true. Remember, the murder rate is six per 100,000 per year, and the aggravated assault rate is four per 1,000 per year. What this means is that the vast majority of Americans are not inclined to hurt one another. Some estimates say that two million Americans are victims of violent crimes every year, a tragic, staggering number, perhaps an all-time record rate of violent crime. But there are almost 300 million Americans, which means that the odds of being a victim of violent crime is considerably less than one in a hundred on any given year. Furthermore, since many violent crimes are committed by repeat offenders, the actual number of violent citizens is considerably less than two million.

Thus there is a paradox, and we must grasp both ends of the situation: We may well be in the most violent times in history, but violence is still remarkably rare. This is because most citizens are kind, decent people who are not capable of hurting each other, except by accident or under extreme provocation. They are sheep.

I mean nothing negative by calling them sheep. To me it is like the pretty, blue robin's egg. Inside it is soft and gooey but someday it will grow into something wonderful. But the egg cannot survive without its hard blue shell. Police officers, soldiers, and other warriors are like that shell, and someday the civilization they protect will grow into something wonderful.? For now, though, they need warriors to protect them from the predators.

"Then there are the wolves," the old war veteran said, "and the wolves feed on the sheep without mercy." Do you believe there are wolves out there who will feed on the flock without mercy? You better believe it. There are evil men in this world and they are capable of evil deeds. The moment you forget that or pretend it is not so, you become a sheep. There is no safety in denial.

"Then there are sheepdogs," he went on, "and I'm a sheepdog. I live to protect the flock and confront the wolf."

If you have no capacity for violence then you are a healthy productive citizen, a sheep. If you have a capacity for violence and no empathy for your fellow citizens, then you have defined an aggressive sociopath, a wolf. But what if you have a capacity for violence, and a deep love for your fellow citizens? What do you have then? A sheepdog, a warrior, someone who is walking the hero's path. Someone who can walk into the heart of darkness, into the universal human phobia, and walk out unscathed

Let me expand on this old soldier's excellent model of the sheep, wolves, and sheepdogs. We know that the sheep live in denial, that is what makes them sheep. They do not want to believe that there is evil in the world. They can accept the fact that fires can happen, which is why they want fire extinguishers, fire sprinklers, fire alarms and fire exits throughout their kids' schools.

But many of them are outraged at the idea of putting an armed police officer in their kid's school. Our children are thousands of times more likely to be killed or seriously injured by school violence than fire, but the sheep's only response to the possibility of violence is denial. The idea of someone coming to kill or harm their child is just too hard, and so they chose the path of denial.

The sheep generally do not like the sheepdog. He looks a lot like the wolf. He has fangs and the capacity for violence. The difference, though, is that the sheepdog must not, can not and will not ever harm the sheep. Any sheep dog who intentionally harms the lowliest little lamb will be punished and removed. The world cannot work any other way, at least not in a representative democracy or a republic such as ours.

Still, the sheepdog disturbs the sheep. He is a constant reminder that there are wolves in the land. They would prefer that he didn't tell them where to go, or give them traffic tickets, or stand at the ready in our airports in camouflage fatigues holding an M-16. The sheep would much rather have the sheepdog cash in his fangs, spray paint himself white, and go, "Baa."

Until the wolf shows up. Then the entire flock tries desperately to hide behind one lonely sheepdog.

The students, the victims, at Columbine High School were big, tough high school students, and under ordinary circumstances they would not have had the time of day for a police officer. They were not bad kids; they just had nothing to say to a cop. When the school was under attack, however, and SWAT teams were clearing the rooms and hallways, the officers had to physically peel those clinging, sobbing kids off of them. This is how the little lambs feel about their sheepdog when the wolf is at the door.

Look at what happened after September 11, 2001 when the wolf pounded hard on the door. Remember how America, more than ever before, felt differently about their law enforcement officers and military personnel? Remember how many times you heard the word hero?

Understand that there is nothing morally superior about being a sheepdog; it is just what you choose to be. Also understand that a sheepdog is a funny critter: He is always sniffing around out on the perimeter, checking the breeze, barking at things that go bump in the night, and yearning for a righteous battle. That is, the young sheepdogs yearn for a righteous battle. The old sheepdogs are a little older and wiser, but they move to the sound of the guns when needed right along with the young ones.

Here is how the sheep and the sheepdog think differently. The sheep pretend the wolf will never come, but the sheepdog lives for that day. After the attacks on September 11, 2001, most of the sheep, that is, most citizens in America said, "Thank God I wasn't on one of those planes." The sheepdogs, the warriors, said, "Dear God, I wish I could have been on one of those planes. Maybe I could have made a difference." When you are truly transformed into a warrior and have truly invested yourself into warriorhood, you want to be there. You want to be able to make a difference.

There is nothing morally superior about the sheepdog, the warrior, but he does have one real advantage. Only one. And that is that he is able to survive and thrive in an environment that destroys 98 percent of the population. There was research conducted a few years ago with individuals convicted of violent crimes. These cons were in prison for serious, predatory crimes of violence: assaults, murders and killing law enforcement officers. The vast majority said that they specifically targeted victims by body language: slumped walk, passive behavior and lack of awareness. They chose their victims like big cats do in Africa, when they select one out of the herd that is least able to protect itself.

Some people may be destined to be sheep and others might be genetically primed to be wolves or sheepdogs. But I believe that most people can choose which one they want to be, and I'm proud to say that more and more Americans are choosing to become sheepdogs.

Seven months after the attack on September 11, 2001, Todd Beamer was honored in his hometown of Cranbury, New Jersey. Todd, as you recall, was the man on Flight 93 over Pennsylvania who called on his cell phone to alert an operator from United Airlines about the hijacking. When he learned of the other three passenger planes that had been used as weapons, Todd dropped his phone and uttered the words, "Let's roll," which authorities believe was a signal to the other passengers to confront the terrorist hijackers. In one hour, a transformation occurred among the passengers - athletes, business people and parents. -- from sheep to sheepdogs and together they fought the wolves, ultimately saving an unknown number of lives on the ground.

There is no safety for honest men except by believing all possible evil of evil men. - Edmund Burke

Here is the point I like to emphasize, especially to the thousands of police officers and soldiers I speak to each year. In nature the sheep, real sheep, are born as sheep. Sheepdogs are born that way, and so are wolves. They didn't have a choice. But you are not a critter. As a human being, you can be whatever you want to be. It is a conscious, moral decision.

If you want to be a sheep, then you can be a sheep and that is okay, but you must understand the price you pay. When the wolf comes, you and your loved ones are going to die if there is not a sheepdog there to protect you. If you want to be a wolf, you can be one, but the sheepdogs are going to hunt you down and you will never have rest, safety, trust or love. But if you want to be a sheepdog and walk the warrior's path, then you must make a conscious and moral decision every day to dedicate, equip and prepare yourself to thrive in that toxic, corrosive moment when the wolf comes knocking at the door.

For example, many officers carry their weapons in church.? They are well concealed in ankle holsters, shoulder holsters or inside-the-belt holsters tucked into the small of their backs.? Anytime you go to some form of religious service, there is a very good chance that a police officer in your congregation is carrying. You will never know if there is such an individual in your place of worship, until the wolf appears to massacre you and your loved ones.

I was training a group of police officers in Texas, and during the break, one officer asked his friend if he carried his weapon in church. The other cop replied, "I will never be caught without my gun in church." I asked why he felt so strongly about this, and he told me about a cop he knew who was at a church massacre in Ft. Worth, Texas in 1999. In that incident, a mentally deranged individual came into the church and opened fire, gunning down fourteen people. He said that officer believed he could have saved every life that day if he had been carrying his gun. His own son was shot, and all he could do was throw himself on the boy's body and wait to die. That cop looked me in the eye and said, "Do you have any idea how hard it would be to live with yourself after that?"

Some individuals would be horrified if they knew this police officer was carrying a weapon in church. They might call him paranoid and would probably scorn him. Yet these same individuals would be enraged and would call for "heads to roll" if they found out that the airbags in their cars were defective, or that the fire extinguisher and fire sprinklers in their kids' school did not work. They can accept the fact that fires and traffic accidents can happen and that there must be safeguards against them.

Their only response to the wolf, though, is denial, and all too often their response to the sheepdog is scorn and disdain. But the sheepdog quietly asks himself, "Do you have and idea how hard it would be to live with yourself if your loved ones attacked and killed, and you had to stand there helplessly because you were unprepared for that day?"

It is denial that turns people into sheep. Sheep are psychologically destroyed by combat because their only defense is denial, which is counterproductive and destructive, resulting in fear, helplessness and horror when the wolf shows up.

Denial kills you twice. It kills you once, at your moment of truth when you are not physically prepared: you didn't bring your gun, you didn't train. Your only defense was wishful thinking. Hope is not a strategy. Denial kills you a second time because even if you do physically survive, you are psychologically shattered by your fear helplessness and horror at your moment of truth.

Gavin de Becker puts it like this in Fear Less, his superb post-9/11 book, which should be required reading for anyone trying to come to terms with our current world situation: "...denial can be seductive, but it has an insidious side effect. For all the peace of mind deniers think they get by saying it isn't so, the fall they take when faced with new violence is all the more unsettling."

Denial is a save-now-pay-later scheme, a contract written entirely in small print, for in the long run, the denying person knows the truth on some level.

And so the warrior must strive to confront denial in all aspects of his life, and prepare himself for the day when evil comes. If you are warrior who is legally authorized to carry a weapon and you step outside without that weapon, then you become a sheep, pretending that the bad man will not come today. No one can be "on" 24/7, for a lifetime. Everyone needs down time. But if you are authorized to carry a weapon, and you walk outside without it, just take a deep breath, and say this to yourself...

"Baa."

This business of being a sheep or a sheep dog is not a yes-no dichotomy. It is not an all-or-nothing, either-or choice. It is a matter of degrees, a continuum. On one end is an abject, head-in-the-sand-sheep and on the other end is the ultimate warrior. Few people exist completely on one end or the other. Most of us live somewhere in between. Since 9-11 almost everyone in America took a step up that continuum, away from denial. The sheep took a few steps toward accepting and appreciating their warriors, and the warriors started taking their job more seriously. The degree to which you move up that continuum, away from sheephood and denial, is the degree to which you and your loved ones will survive, physically and psychologically at your moment of truth.

Encouragement...

Philippians 2
Imitating Christ's Humility
1If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Senior year has not been what I expected. In fact its been exactly opposite than I thought it would be.
This is a time I am preparing to leave. By senior year in high school we know who will be friends past graduation day. This time….not only will I be gone before graduation, but if I am in Africa I will completely miss the graduation ceremony. This time I'm thinking....and I really going to leave this area…leave everyone behind…again? And if I do, do I leave all those friendships as well. Crown is different. Crown is like summer camp to me, in fact that was one of the reasons I came to Crown College. Crown felt like my summer camp which is most defiantly my favorite place on earth. I'm leaving the “bubble” and this time part of me doesn’t want to go, but part of me cannot wait. There's some serious battle ahead.
We never really see the hardships coming until they have jumped on your back, dug claws in. Trust gets broken, friends loose what once was, and sometimes you just have to let go and walk away. Sometimes there's nothing else left to do than pray for peace for each other and your own self and just let it go. At this point, when I'm leaving in just about 6 months, I would never have guessed Id be where I'm at, at this place, doing what I'm doing now, and even beginning to separate myself from this place and these people. I see the light at the end of the college tunnel…and its calling.
So in this time when everything goes wrong, I know Ive sat back and though, I'm pretty much a horrible person, regardless of right and wrong, I question what I'm doing…if I can really lead people, and those little whispers are in my ear. ‘your not good enough, your music means nothing, why even try, your destructive, how ugly you are, your personality is too strong, see how you lost so much?’ But this is what God began to say through other people…
A: “When are you updating your blog? Ive been waiting to read more?”
B: “This song is so good, I want to listen again”-listening to a song I recorded even when it was poorly recorded”
C: (tears in eyes) You have to send me that song”
D: “When you led worship…I felt like you really led…thank you”
E: “You were right on…right on”
F: “Ive been following your blog…and I can tell Gods moving you and working in you”
G: “I just want to tell you when I see you walking in the hall, I see a very beautiful woman of God”-the most random 2 am facebook message I have ever had with someone I never really get to talk to.

So much more encouragement has occurred in the past days…from friends and Crown faculty.

Finally, a family member who I honestly have not seen since I was maybe 8 years old said this to me.
Encouragement from a soldier….
“ I pray for safety and comfort but there's always that chance that I won't make it back home on day. Many haven't and many more won't but some day, you'll finish school and will lead, comfort and provide support to others.”
After this…this is what I can piece together…
God: you are a leader, you bring tears & pull at hearts for me helping to break down walls, you let me guide you in writings to say what others need to hear, you are and will be a comfort, a provider, and a support for others.
When God speaks, when I hear what I need to hear its generally through other people. And in the past week I have heard so much encouragement even from people who I never really stop and talk too. I also heard some criticism that I accept and appreciate. But I just want to say…. everyone makes mistakes. I have a lot of grace for others, but I also have a standard of morals to live by regardless of my past and what I once thought was okay. You can say..."I thought you would understand because you have been there" and I will...but somethings I cannot agree with, even if I myself have been there. I will never be blameless, no one will. But as a young man once described me “That girl is legit”…and I want to remain that way regardless of times it seems like I am the reason for all the wrong.
When the world crashes down around us…we just have to stop and listen…even through the crashing walls.

And the Father will let His children know it is alright...

Love is the outcome...

A conversation tonight shed some light to the past few days of my life. Upon explaining my sleep deprivation situation in the past few days my dear friend Winnie stated to me this. “Fasting from sleep…awakened to God” “Its pretty beautiful actually…very few people sacrifice for the King.”


So whats been going on. Well two nights ago I didn’t sleep. I kinda felt it was due to stressful reasons, to news I had received that I did not want to hear nor accept a possibility of. But laying in my bed these thoughts and images kept popping into my head…with this feeling that I just needed to pray. Pray….Pray…Pray. So 8am rolls around…and Im awake…I then go through my day…slightly agitated that I was awake all night…still thinking this has to do with the stressful news I was told the day before. Classes end…Im exhausted….and I go to my dorm, attempt to fall asleep…and fail. Um hello…Ive been awake for way to long….I need rest.

So Im sitting at my computer….and it hits me…start reading scripture….start writing. So I did…and about 5 songs worth of lyrics sprouted. Course they arnt what we would generally like to sing….but then I started writing a prayer…about everything I had read….about falling in love, falling towards Love, either way just falling.

That’s exactly what I was doing…falling in Love all over again with who God is…and what Christ did for us….the beauty of a sacrifice so perfect it saved my life. Because I accepted Christ…I died with Him on the Cross…to live with Him now. I can fall for Him because He will catch me. Sing, because no matter the note He will hear and love it. And that Love I can give out…praise…sing…worship…

After all I know/how could I not love?

Sleep left me because I needed to be awakened to something so important…and it could not wait. I do not want to make God ever wait for me. And I already have…

After a nights sleep again…I can honestly say…He is my strength, my song, my hope, and I will rest in Him before putting so much value on sleep again. If I had not stayed awake…taken that time…Im not sure I would have listened.

If he says go….will you go?

If he says don’t be afraid…will you still fear?

If he says forgive…will you say no?

If he says love…will you continue to hate?

If he says rest in me only for this time….will you find rest in other means?

Love is the outcome/and right now/nothing else matters….

How many times to we just say no….go on with our days…act like nothings wrong…but really we need to break….to listen. What will it take for God to break us? To just give it all to Him to use…giving our lives….Just Dying to Live.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

This morning I woke up feeling super wiped out…exhausted and half sick, which is strange considering I haven’t really had a lot to do with my 15-credit semester thus far. It was so hard to wake up this morning. I was even late to my first class and didn’t care. An overwhelming feeling of dread had just took me over…. and really it was without reason. So after class I grabbed a Rockstar and headed to Chapel.

Lets rewind. A few days ago I started to feel a pull to a special woman of God who is dear to my heart. Her struggle with schoolwork this year had really been showing on her face and there was just this urgency I felt to sit and talk with her. When I say talk I mean…. ask a few questions I didn’t need a response to, and see what she needed to spill about life, ministry, what her stress. This particular woman really stuck out to me and I was reminded multiple times a day to pray for her.

So Chapel…our chapel is basically filled now…overabundance of students (super cool) but if you are late there is limited seating. The woman I had been praying for came up to find a seat and without luck ended up sitting on the stair steps of the gym bleachers….not far from me. The first worship song starts…this overwhelming sense came on me and I felt like bawling. Um hello I am a generally happy person and had no reason to be upset at all…. then it hit me. I felt the pull again…and the call of the Holy Spirit. “Get up…and go to her”….

There are moments that make it all worth it. This was defiantly one of those moments. I sat next to her asked how she was doing and instantly we both started to cry and I sat and hugged her tight…. whatever my strange issue was…ceased….and I realized. I was being prepared for just this moment…ten minutes was so important that I had lost sleep, felt this sense of panic and stress. …a general discomfort, because someone had to just go sit and hug one person just for the duration; of a few praise songs. Someone needed to feel with her. Hello discernment gift…

Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. ¹⁶From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work” Ephesians 4:14-16

Needless to say God spoke loads of info into both our hearts during chapel. Where we are is where God means us to be, though we have a choice to follow or lead lives outside His will. What is internal will eventually surface, all pain, anger, issues of sin.

Further talk after chapel led to more questions about our lives. What is major and what is minor and which ones are we focusing on? What do we need to eliminate now because it is not a necessary tool for the kingdom? What interferes with our time with God and ministry? Where do we find the peace only God can give? Is it really well with our souls?

As for the last question I would like to share this. It is well with my soul because nothing else matters when the Spirit moves me to service. The time will be right when its Gods time, and its in even the 10 min times when I am reaffirmed that this is what is worth my life. Christ is worth my life, my time, and my service. I can not be unhappy about where I am now….I can only be joyful. Evil will always use lies to attack, especially when we are really moving forward. But we just have to remember to remind ourselves; it’s not all on our shoulders…its in God’s hands.

So before this woman of God left to take a test she had spent so many hours studying for and stressing over until she was in tears I shared this with her…If we leave it in Gods hands…. after we have properly studied, devoted time to the test, we have to come to a point where it is entirely in His hands, pray for clarity of mind but remember He has brought us here, and if it is us working towards Him and for Him, we cant just fail…its when its no longer His will or we rely to heavily upon ourselves that we begin to stumble. The goal was to pass and keep moving. Keep your eyes fixed on Him and see what He will do through you…

Matthew 19:26 Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Strength: a definition

Along the journey of discovering more about myself I have discovered many traits and qualities good and bad. And often we discover these traits through other people when they tell us we are either completely bull headed or graceful…or both. One descriptive word I have heard often is that I am strong. But what does that mean? What is strength? Really…I cry over boys (not often…I’m more likely to make them cry...but still), have occasional panic moments over exams, even turn all the lights on in the house or dorm room just to make sure the “Boogie Man” really isn’t there. Doesn’t sound so strong to me… I like ball gowns, pink princess things, and well let’s be honest…I am a "Prima Donna"…just ask our theater professor and the entire music department faulty of Crown College. Sure I have a bit of East Coast in me, am out spoken, and really don’t hold back when something needs said…but that doesn’t mean I’m strong…that means I’m confident, loud, and slightly fearless.
About a year ago I began to learn “my” definition of a strong Christian woman. This is my definition…and this is why.


Strength: the ability to care to the fullest extent for a person during a time of need regardless of situation or past/present/future standing with the person; the giving of one’s emotions, time, & self, even when it may result in more than two days without sleep just to serve God and one person; the willingness to pray endlessly to comfort, protection, and rage war against evil for another when needed even when we may become under attack; The willingness to face evil in the eye and proclaim the blood of Christ knowing the war is already won but we still must face the Goliath; the ability to share in the pain of another’s hurt and love them as Christ loves them regardless of situation but simply because we are called and the Holy Spirit moves in us; the willingness to just serve with a simple heart; And the willingness to forgive…even when it means we won’t forget.

It is a big definition…and honestly…that’s only the beginning…I’m still learning more about this “strength” thing…I’m sure I will end my days without knowing half of what it means. But this is what I do know. Strength is not necessarily measured on muscles, how often you don’t break down and cry, and your hearts health and ability to survive a heart attack. I guess that’s the world’s definition of strength…but not God’s. Strength is found in the will and soul of a person. It is allowing the Holy Spirit to move us, even into uncomfortable situations, to serve in the kingdom.

“Jesus wept”
John 11:25-45
Crying is seen as a sign of weakness…but there is nothing weak about feeling the intense grief and pain of another person and shedding tears for them out of love for God’s children and creation. It is draining…and requires a strength that only God gives, to give hope, words, love into the situation. Remember…Jesus wept… broke down after he was “deeply moved in spirit and troubled”. What an amazing passage…
"Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"
"Yes, Lord," she told him, "I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who was to come into the world." And after she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. "The Teacher is here," she said, "and is asking for you." When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him. Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there.
When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."
When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked.
"Come and see, Lord," they replied.
Jesus wept.
Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"
But some of them said, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?"
Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance.
"Take away the stone," he said.
"But, Lord," said Martha, the sister of the dead man, "by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days."
Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, "Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me."
When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!" The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.
Jesus said to them, "Take off the grave clothes and let him go."

“The Lord IS my Strength”
Exodus 15:2
“The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise Him, my father’s God, and I will exalt Him.”
Story time. My first semester at Crown seems to be a blur now…it was one of my best semesters of college and a large time in my life for discovery of myself and my purpose. During this time people dropped into my life that seemed to just “sense” that it was safe to open up to me about their darkness…even if I had only just met them. One such person became my roommate for that next year. After a period of time growing as sister in Christ I entered a world of spiritual warfare where she was…helped to pull her from there…and watched her life turn around as she headed into ministry. The night she was became free from years of bondage she slept on the extra bed in my old dorm room. I sat awake across the room on my bed that night fully alert and read scripture continually over her. Romans got covered at least 3 times as well as Ephesians. (Romans 8) My purpose was to protect, feed, and bless her in this time. Sleep was not necessary and though I was exhausted I was completely alert and ready to rage war on any evil that dare touch her. Did Christ not do this for us? Have we forgotten the extreme of his love? Staying up all night praying and reading scripture was such a small thing compared to dying on a cross for all mankind! Any strength that I had during that time was in love…I knew God’s love, saw Christ’s love and forgiveness that night, and wanted to continue to give that and speak of it…its nothing having to do with me…but as a Hillsong song quotes…”All for Love a Father Gave….for only Love could make a way.”

“Forgiveness and Strength”
Numbers 14:16-18
“Now may the Lord’s strength be displayed, just as you have declared. The Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children for the sin of their fathers to the third and fourth generation. “
Forgiving and forgetting. Forgiveness is the term used in the scriptures…but almost as often is this term “forgetting”. We are always told to put both together…but the truth of this is that just because we forgive doesn’t mean we block it from our memory. We learn from mistakes, how we are treated, how we treat others. We grow from it. It is not a bad idea to revisit those low moments of life to remember where we came from and that we really aren’t any better than the next person. OF course we must remember we are forgiven, it is in the past. I am not saying to repeat the mistake, but simply to not forget that we were brought out of darkness and forgiven.  God can bring good to any situation if we let Him. He brings light to the darkness. One of the moments recently that reminded me how forgiveness ties into strength, and Gods will, is through an old email of someone who just simply said “what you’ve shown me, forgiveness, that’s what i needed to experience not just "I’m sorry and its ok", but deep spiritual forgiveness like you’ve shown me after hurting you so badly.”…I can’t remember now even what happened between me and that friend…but just that forgiveness meant so much even when I was apparently so hurt….even then strength was growing. We have to let God take care of the rest. So we got hurt, and the hurt may be so extreme that we live with the reminder of what happened each day, but we forgive. Seek the good in what happened, maybe someone will come to Christ in the end. Pray for the one who hurt you or those you hurt. We should be pleading God for Him to forgive them and find them in their darkest places. One lost sheep is still a sheep in the flock…are you going to let that sheep just go? And we must not forget to pray for ourselves, for healing, the ability to forgive, and to not dwell.

Ephesians 3:12-21 (The Message)
When we trust in him, we're free to say whatever needs to be said, bold to go wherever we need to go. So don't let my present trouble on your behalf get you down. Be proud! My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

God isn’t looking for people of great faith, but for individuals ready to follow Him” Hudson Taylor.

God isn’t looking for people of great faith, but for individuals ready to follow Him” Hudson Taylor. This has been a quote that has followed me all summer. Senior year…well some of us are a year away from the end…some 6 months away from block and internship. There are decisions to be made, some will be planning weddings, where to live, what job to seek, what mission field to go to. It is easy to get so excited during this time, and to spend hours researching possibilities. Don’t you remember planning for college 4 years ago? Maybe you couldn’t go just anywhere…so maybe the options seemed endless. Even when we found our first college destination, it was so exciting. Real life is about that feeling x100. So in the hours I have spent in the past year thinking of missions, or master’s degree programs, seminary, or where I would love to live; I have had to lay these items down at some point. Lay them at the Cross and ask God to take the thoughts, plans, and ideas out of my mind for a while, and Ill re-visit them later. My mind and soul need to be cleared for just a time so that what is happening around me is not being ignored. For those with more than a year of school left its dream time but it’s also time to still live in community, learn lessons that help develop us along the way, and soak up all we can learning, studying, and listening. What other time in this lifetime will we have that chance, to stay up until 3 am playing campus wide hide-n-seek, taco bell runs at midnight for Baja Blast Mt Dew, or just chatting with roommates about life and God. We can live without worries for a time…at least try to.
Fear, worries, and anxiety…these are major emotions in this time. How will I pay my debt for college? How will I afford all the living expenses? I think that was my initial frightening thought. How will I possible afford to just...live? Mark 4:19 tells us…” but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful.” I think I spent at least a month trying to calm myself down until I just gave up. Really what is money? Money that I am given is to provide for me and to give back to God as well. The money has always showed up, the bills always end up paid, why am I freaking out? Where God wants me and what He wants me to do is beside the money part…sure…I will have to survive. But sometimes we have to just let the worry go…its part of trusting God. Think about how often he has provided for you. This past week I met this subject face to face. My GPS led me astray on highway 12 in Montana…middle of nowhere. Of course the second I realized that I possibly just drove 6 hours into the middle of nothing where no one may be around to help me, my tire blows out! Great, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry but I’m pretty sure I did a little of both. I stepped out of my car and not even 30 seconds later flagged down a car to help me change my tire. To my astonishment the car contained a Boy Scout troop….and one of those boy scouts was none other than the youngest boy in the family I was staying with in Montana! I have never been so shocked! Hello God, thank you for not only providing help, but help I knew I could trust! And that far away from civilization….not a doubt in my mind God was protecting his daughter.
1 Peter 5:6-8 tells us to humble ourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”
Every time we think of this verse we generally only read the first part. Casting all anxiety on the Lord. So often I have caught myself forgetting to read ahead. So often we do that…we don’t sit and study the context, read just a verse further, and truly process what’s being said. The enemy is prowling. Everything we worry about he has a hold on, it may be small, but at any second evil can turn it into more doubts, more fears, cause us to burst into tears and let him take hold. For me, that panic came in a breakdown over what should have been a joyful day. I was finding possible masters programs but with that excitement hit the money issue, time issue, how will I live, my parents can’t help me financially. I was pushing myself so hard with school, work, never taking a moment to rest that it caught up with me. I work in a Christian environment, my classes were Bible classes…my other small jobs were very servant like…if I’m working so hard in all these areas doing all these things for the kingdom….then why was I still bawling out of control of reality? Truth is that’s what evil wanted. I was so involved because of the whispers that I had to get an A, and I had to work as much as possible to make the money to survive. Through that I started to place it all on myself, and forget that God is already taking care of me. And I took it out of his hands and took control. I finally stopped, took a breath, and just realized the lies were pouring from all directions. Sometimes recognizing it is harder than we think. Especially in an environment when we often assume we are safe. Even though the war is already won evil still doesn’t give up….we need to be reminded that evil is present all around us but God being already victorious has given us the power through the Holy Spirit to battle any further attempts.
Fear- 1 John 4:18 states “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
Fear goes with punishment. When we become Christians, ask Christ into our hearts accepting him as Lord and Savior and Gods son, our true punishment is over. Living apart from God is the punishment for unforgiven sins. Through Christ we are forgiven. We need reminded from time to time that what happened in the past is forgiven, and though we will sin due to our still fallen world nature, we are saved. There is Grace for us, forgiveness, and we have to forgive ourselves in that process too. Being repentant does not necessarily mean we give up everything we care about, believing we don’t deserve to love, to live with any desire. God knows our desires, and it is in his time we discover who we are, what we are meant for, and his plans for us. This you will not know in a day…you will continue to discover it through life. If you feel truly called to give up all TV forever okay, but sit down and breathe…are you truly doing this in order to seek more and please God, or are you simply punishing yourself because you really have not forgiven yourself for something in the past? Remember…there will always be temptation….check it out…Jesus was tempted! It’s how we respond to the temptation…don’t let fear be part of that response unless it’s the Fear of God!
Simplicity is one of the biggest lessons I have learned this past year. The more simple things are, simpler we live, the less cluttered our days are…the more we have a chance to focus on what really matters. What really do we need to survive? Spiritual simplicity is taking one step at a time. I still have 6 months till I hit internship. I will have to spend time investigating possible places to intern, programs, and missions. But I also need to realize I live now. My mission’s field is wherever I wake up and travel each day. It is not supposed to be the “total extreme hardest thing I ever did in my life” every day. Our minds and bodies and souls aren’t meant to live constantly in those moments. There is a time to rest as well as to be in an extreme moment. Finding the balance and middle ground takes time. But even in the most dangerous missions field extreme ever…there will be times where things are still…God will be silent for a time. 1 Kings 19:12”After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.”
One way I have learned to just enjoy Gods presence quietly is in the service of cleaning…doing dishes to be exact. I work slow, take the mess one dish at a time, and in that silence I feel peace. Part of this peace is the pleasure of serving another; part of it is that it is an activity that requires a person to slow down to do. I hope I never own a dishwasher. J The point to be made is that living only on the “spiritual high moment” is dangerous. There is a “burnout” that will happen. It’s like going to camp for a week and one week later everything that seems so exciting has dropped down the regular life even though you aren’t still listening to the same music, watching bad movies, acting inappropriately etc. When you find though, in regular life the same happiness, love, peace that only God can give….it’s not about being “so pumped for God” that your just willing to jump on a plane and go to missions. It’s being willing to let God take you…in his time…even if it’s not for years where He wills it. And knowing that your service time is now even in doing the dishes alone with no one else to see. This is not being comfortable, but balanced so that when the decisions to go or stay come….you can decipher what God wants, not what you “feel” you want to do. How dangerous it is when we just “feel” we have to go right now….taking it all into our own hands out of Gods.
Ever notice how when we defend our faith Christians generally seem to get super defensive and come across very harsh? We get so excited and hyped up we forget to be gentle to just love. This letter is not meant to be a “harsh letter” though some truths are difficult to think about. I simply wish to encourage stepping back for a minute. Reflect over what God has provided you with, your abilities, desires, gifts, and simple living necessities. When you think of all the possibilities ahead…grab a poster board or sticky notes and write down all the possibilities. Put them on the wall, pray over them, ask God for his will, and walk away for a time. Go see what is now….time will pass only faster each year…you will get to graduation, to marriage, to moving to the next destination. But there are people all around you that just need to talk, to be with you right now, to help you and show you Christ’s love as you return the same. We have time to think of what “OUR” future is…but I plan to not focus entirely on “MY” future…but also recognize that my life is not my own but Gods…and there are futures walking all around me…and I want to know what I can do for those people right now even if it’s as simple as making a copy of a document for them…my mission is right here before I say goodbye and leave for the next.

Jeremiah 29:11-14
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,” plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with ALL your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord,” and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you, ”declares the Lord,” and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Please remember along your travels…Gods plan is NOT to harm you…but to give you hope and a future. Live every day with the hope for the next even when you do not know if it will be your last. Do not dwell on death…that’s Gods business, not yours. Just think…one more person needs to hear the Truth…its all worth it for just one more person…and there will always be “one more person”.

“Dear Father,
I pray for rest to those who read this letter. Let your Holy Spirit reveal what each reader may need to know at the point of their lives they are at. If it is to share it with another let it be fruitful the words that I write. I pray that their mission’s fields are made clear and each day they can see God’s blessings as well as the opportunities to bless others. To be bold, but to also be silent in those moments where you need to speak. I pray for clarity in scripture, that what they read is made clear to them, and for protection against evils plans to confuse and cause worry, fears, and anxiety. The future belongs to you God and I pray for those willing to go. “