"Worship" post Christian college life and thoughts

Worship is not music. Worship is simply our connection to God. "We cant stay in this place, Imagine what worship would be like if everyone came in already connected saying I don't need a song to get me connected, because I fought all week long for this connection because it is the Most important thing in my life." Kim Walker

Ephesians 1:5-12

"Praise His Glory"

He destined us in love to be his sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace which he freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace which he lavished upon us. For he has made known to us in all wisdom and insight the mystery of his will, according to his purpose which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth. In him, according to the purpose of Him who accomplishes all things according to the counsel of his will, we who first hoped in Christ have been destined and appointed to live for the praise of his glory.

 

I don’t want to get jolted awake only in moments. I want to live not by saying I am walking with God, or posting my daily Bible verse to facebook or twitter, or trying to act like I have it together when I don’t. I also don’t want to live looking for exciting moments apart from God. At any moment any one of us can slip….but at any moment each and every one of us can worship God. It doesn’t take a song, it doesn’t take us going to church, it doesn’t take us reading the latest greatest Christian book on the market. It only takes our hearts opened in surrender before Jesus. Each day will be a battle, each day a question of what God is doing. But what if we could just trust, what if we didn’t have to question, what if we didn’t hold our hearts back because of circumstances but we just worshiped. Lets be real, I feel Crisp. I feel held back, left behind, unused. And all the while right in front of me God is pointing me to truth, to problem areas in life, and to Him and His plans for my life. So I turned down two churches for a staff position, listened and stayed and He provided. But a few weeks into this life I begin to panic and question. Those real world problems start to sneak in and I start to look for an escape. I don’t have the answer tonight to what this is, only prayers….and this is what I am praying for.

A clear direction in ministry even just a small glance that is so powerful it stays with me and grows into a fiery passion in my heart and life so His Glory shines through to others. A sincere heart for others free of judgment but filled with wisdom to handle tough conversations and show love that heals. Those around me, encouraging and those who tear down, that I may take the positive words spoken into my life and carry them with strength and leave the negative behind. For the future I refuse to accept as a typical house with kids and a husband but rather an audacious adventure that I cannot even imagine or dream of. And for the man who will lead me into ministry with him with Christ as our center with strength, wisdom, and a love that will move mountains with a humbleness that will allow Christ to be seen to others. Discouragement has no place in my life and I pray against the thoughts that tell me to give up and the fear to step out in faith. 

This is not Crown College life anymore, this is the real deal life in the raw with no boundaries, to rules, only what you discover with Christ living in you. Christ within us is what changes our lives kicking out what is not of Christ and keeping what is...it is part of a transformation and easily lost when the focus turns to self. When your conscience goes off its screaming "What are you doing, this is not you, why are you doing this." And we all hear the screams. 

And yet through all the confusion, slight anguish, and my own conscience screams I still know one thing. My life is not my own, even though sometimes I think I can act like it is, and Christ will show me the way and all I have to do is live in worship.

God’s plan is still better than mine. "Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs." I'm starving for this conversation.

Ephesians 5:1-20

"Live in His Grace"

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person (such a man is an idolater) has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them. For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: "Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

HOME

Humbling ourselves does not mean we think less of ourselves but rather remove our own wants, thoughts, and self from the situation so that Christ can take hold and shine through. For the first time in a long time I am really focusing on listening. Listening to the point I don’t even give my own thoughts on the subject, just listen and pray God will reveal the answer. The scary thing is….He does. It’s like He is letting me know I don’t have to take the responsibility to help in any other way but to just tell Him. How many times do we get frustrated wishing people would just understand? Have we taken time to go to God and ask Him to get involved or consider ourselves adequate enough to handle the situation ourselves? Just another lesson in submitting to God I guess…

I have felt for so long that I am running from Home. I honestly don’t really know the word…In the past year I have been longing, craving, for stability, rest, a home. So post college, I have my job, a beautiful house to live in, a precious puppy to take care of, an amazing church to serve in, and neighboring churches to connect with and still there is this longing. Tuesday night a friend and I attended a local church college group. The challenge of the night was a listening exercise. Go figure. How often do we really take time to let God speak or are we so filled with noise and our own words we cant hear His breaking through. Of course my word was Home. I guess I thought I would get some epic wordage from God…but the more this word unravels I see there may be a door opening that was locked until just this moment in time. With the word I got this image. I was in my home church lobby….alone…I have always thought about the windows in this lobby because it is entirely windows on all the walls…and rays of pure light were shining through, and the world faded away for a moment. Everything was still, warm, simple, and pure. His presence was so strong but so gentle, just light, purest of light.

 There is something that happens when I hear certain hymns. I get this feeling, like I am in that room, but the presence is so strong I cannot hold myself back from tears.

 Psalms 56:8 says, “You've kept track of my every toss and turn
      through the sleepless nights,
   Each tear entered in your ledger,
      each ache written in your book.”

Is it possible to have joyful tears and tears of pain at the same exact time?

Something brings me back to Home…but what is Home? I think Home to me is this longing I constantly have for those glimpses of Heaven on Earth when the Holy Spirit completely takes over all those there to worship and each heart and soul is draw to their knees before the Throne. Heaven is brought to Earth when hearts align in worship.

I have thought alot lately about where I have come from to where I went to where I am now. I think I spent so much time looking for something to do, some ministry to start, some new group to be part of, that I didn’t give God a chance to just tell me where to go next. It all worked out of course it seems. God can take anything and use it for His glory in the end. But now, I am truly at a crossroads in life. I have the degree, I have gifts, talents, and the will to go. But no clue really what’s going to happen. I have said it a lot lately…God only shows us glimpses so we don’t get too carried away and try to finish the race before we have even taken a step. And in some scary ways God has started to unravel some pieces I didn’t expect. And placed certain people in my path to begin to bring me back from my running. And believe me I have been running, just the wrong race. If I say I trust God, but then make an excuse, well…I really am not trusting. And my human nature would much rather do it my way. Live it safe even though I seem like a person who would jump at the risk. Would I really move again if He called? Or would I make an excuse to stay? If a person comes to me for encouragement, prayer, or a listening ear and because of my own want, or opinion, or down right fear I turn them away when it is obvious God placed them in my path…what am I saying to Him? Humility means taking myself out of the equation.

So what is Home…well…the whole definition is still not clear. But some pieces are coming together. I began in worship; my memories of home are moments where the presence of God felt like a hand of my shoulder. In that lobby, at my Grandmothers piano playing the same three chords for hours just soaked in Love, leading worship for the first time at camp and watching every single person drop to their knees crying out to God and seeing healing flood to them, those chapels at college where the band would worship for over an hour and walk of stage as no one in the room moved but continued to sing praise to God without the band…for the next hour. Walking through the woods alone as a child but knowing I am never really alone and believing it so much I talked out loud to Jesus because He was right there walking with me. I devoted my life to worship in music, in words, in how I love. Worship is and will always be the main focus, that I cannot deny. I don’t know what the next week holds, or month, or year. But I can now take each day as it comes, knowing God has each day numbered, and holds it in the palm of His hand. And He is smiling at me and crying with me. His plan will always be better than the one I can create myself. I am praying He allows me the chance to live my life bringing glimpses of Heaven to His children.

Revelation 5

Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders. In a loud voice they were saying:

   “Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain,
   to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength
   and honor and glory and praise!”

 Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, saying:

   “To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb
   be praise and honor and glory and power,
for ever and ever!”