It feels like days since the sun has shined. And not because this is the “dark state” …but because there is a thickness in the air…a darkness covering the area. Peoples hearts are heavy and even those who are not struggling below poverty line still carry this pain and lack of hope. You can see it on their faces. They have grown tired of fighting, and decided life is just going to be this way. How do I really know this? Well, aside from living 18 years of my life in this area I am already draining and I have been here for 4 days…
Really it is not about living without. Who cares if you buy your clothes from Macy’s or Salvation Army. Most of my shirts are less that $5 and I’ve learned that a pair of $10 skinny jeans from JCPennys will last longer than the $30 pair from New York and Company. I recognize that I will be lucky to ever live in a house again…and not an apartment. But I am also not bothered by it, but happier to make my home a home wherever it may be. What burns me out is not the small stuff anymore…but the quality of heart and hope around me. There is something about standing in line at the grocery store knowing that the checkout line wrapped around the aisle is all people paying for groceries with food stamps smelling like cheap cigarettes with whisky on their breath not saying a word not looking anyone in the eye if they can help it…and if my chance they do…all that is there is empty. The darkness of this area is exhausting.
For days now I have thought about this blog. In the car, the shower, the grocery store in that line…a small smile goes so far…but they want more from you really….God wants more from you…I have so much to give but am weighed down just thinking of how many people are walking around with those same cold empty eyes. Darkness.
Two years ago I was just as empty. I hated this area. I hated the poverty, the broken people, the improper English from lack of education, the people you knew got one shower a week maybe and had not used real shampoo in over a month or a comb for that matter. I just wanted out. I realize now that my hatred was formed because I did not know how to deal with that darkness. Really the only way to just walk on was to go numb…. until your eyes shown your emptiness. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I left. Even 6 months ago I would have said I would never return to this place. But God had different plans. I left because I had to learn how to do battle, how to refill so I could pour out again. And I needed to be in a place that was outside this type of darkness to do that.
Every community has its problems. There is always a spiritual battle to be done. And it is never a battle just won all at once but step-by-step. A lot of times too we feel its just too hard to reach out…when in fact its easier and less draining than the thought process of talking ourselves out of doing what we should. So in the battle of darkness…. here are some things I have learned.
There are always layers to brokenness and darkness. As a Residence Life college assistant we are taught that if someone is caught breaking a rule…generally there’s more behind that moment of defiance. And so far…that statement has not been proved wrong. There is always something under the surface…. bitterness, anger, depression…. and birthed from those are addictions.
Lack of hope in Gods purpose or not even knowing we have a purpose at all is heartbreaking. I went to college to be a worship major…to learn how to lead others in a purpose on earth….to worship God and bring Him glory! In that I have learned about love, passion, vision, grace, and forgiveness. I learned how to handle living in a dark place…to still shine even when I cannot see what is around the corner. To rely on God knowing the war has been won…though we still battle.
Love is what we all seek. Since we are born we desire to be loved. Does anyone else around here notice that people are seriously desperate?! So desperate to find someone they just dive right in, risk it all, hand their hearts over and connect with soul ties before they even know a fraction of the person. Before you know how God loves us, and love Him above all else…how can you possibly love another without leading to a selfish lust, a want for yourself and not really for the best of the other person? Who we marry does make a difference. Who we choose to love does make a difference. If someone holds more of our heart than God…we begin to rely to much on that person for other things…emotional satisfaction, physical satisfaction, mental needs, and eventually spiritual needs. We push God aside and then when we are let down by that person we are crushed. Listen please…no one on this earth is perfect. And the one man who was came and died because he loved us that much. Rely on that perfect man…not the guy or girl you think is just so amazing because they are what you think you want at that moment. You will always be let down. It is so hard to say no. I know that. But if you have to walk away…then walk away. Do not let yourself just go because you want to take this chance. If you trust…God will let you know and you will not doubt or worry. Prepare yourself to love like Christ loved and to understand who you belong too, and who is waiting for you to give your all to Him. God wants to form you into who you will and can be for Him and for your future spouse. Let Him.
Distractions-we all search at times for a distraction. We want to stop struggling for a time and think about something else. Whether it comes in the form of a new relationship interest, a TV show, video game, even Facebook…we all have this want to just have it easy for a time. Instead of a distraction…has anyone thought about just resting? Rest is so much different. Let go of all the added junk, seek quiet, and listen. Refresh yourself instead of piling on the distractions. Rest in God….cast all fears and anxiety on Him.
When bad things happen to good people. If you are serving in the kingdom….and great things are about to happen for Gods glory…expect to be attacked. Seriously, don’t play stupid and think you should not be prepared. You are already in a battle…why would you let your guard down right before you conquer another hill? Its like you make it to the top of that hill and the other side is about to retreat and you sit down build a fire and pour a nice cup of hot cocoa…yeah they are going to look at you and be like its go time! Push forward in the race! Why would evil not want to attack when so much good is going to happen?! Except to be tired, to need time alone in the word, to pray constantly, and to put the armor on everyday ready to take the fight as it comes. No excuse. No one said it would be easy…and defiantly not always a beautiful sight…but in the end it is all worth it…just one sheep is worth it.
Speaking on one sheep. Check out Luke 15. This passage in the bible is one I always refer too…if you haven’t already noticed. The shepherd left a ton of sheep to go get that one lost sheep and bring it back. Does anyone see the importance in this? Those sheep he left did not stray away…they were saved already…but that one sheep was so important that he would have let the others be killed in the lack of protection they had just to save the unsaved sheep. Its not saying sacrifice people all the time for that one sheep…but that there is sooo much value in that one sheep. It is all worth it just for one…Keep reading and you will find a parable of a lost coin and the lost son.
Even when they appear empty…the light can be relit. This past Sunday I participated in the worship team at the church I will be doing my internship at in March. Second service while preparing for the last closing song the pastor was reading a letter from a lady in the church who had found that God was bigger than many of her issues. As he is reading this letter I looked out and saw that the people in front of me were weeping…and not tears of pain…but of joy. They had found something they had searched for everywhere but couldn’t find on this earth. Rows of people…all ages…male and female were giving praise to Him with their tears and honestly I do not know if they realized. You could feel the Spirit move in that room…the Joy that was felt…yet still broken fragile pieces. Even if there is so much work yet to be done to piece that broken person back together…love has begun to heal and how could we all not praise Him in that moment. It was a struggle not to burst into tears with Joy with them.
How amazing is He whose love gave all for our sins.
Even in the darkness there is light. Jesus can always shine through. Even when evil takes all it can breaking people, God can turn it all around healing, restoring, and making it all for His Glory. We have to constantly remind ourselves of these things…press on when we feel so exhausted spiritually, mentally, physically. Surround ourselves with people that can help fill us and guide us, and spend the time we need to rest and be refreshed so we can be ready to pour out again. We know the battle will just continue each day…but so will the praise we give to God. We can choose to live looking at those empty eyes with love and praying our lives can and will make some difference even if it is just through a smile to that one person in the grocery store. Just one…is worth it. You never know how that one moment could affect that person…or what chain of reaction may come from a possible lifted spirit. My heart breaks to be that person…so much that it is almost painful. I want to rush up to the register and pay for that food being rationed by food stamps. I want to pay for them to be able to wash their clothes. Its $2 I know I can spare! Why are we, this rich nation, just letting all this go? One person cannot do it all though…but as a whole nation…we almost have no excuse. I heard a quote once that we have no right to read the Bible through twice when some in the world have never even heard of it….a little hope goes along way….and I think we all know there is a ton of hope in the Word of God. I asked myself today…when was the last time I just handed away a Bible? Honestly think about this…how many Bibles have you owned? Did you know someone without one? It’s not exactly hard to walk into a used bookstore and pick up a Bible for cheap. Also, it does seem bold to walk up to someone and just ask if you can pray with them and for them right then and there. Actually out here its very strange, but…if you feel that tug…and the Holy Spirit is like jabbing your side…do not walk away. I once had that feeling in the airport and ended up praying for a lady whose son just left for Iraq. She needed someone to hug and she needed that moment of blessing for her and her son. What if I had just walked by? It was small…but who am I to say it meant so little I shouldn’t have even bothered?
My point is…do battle…because if you believe…with all your heart and soul…you are already enlisted. There are no excuses now. Preparing and seeking brings us closer to God, who He is, how He loves, how He intended us to be…our purpose. Walk with His love shining on your face. Moses face glowed….G.L.O.W.E.D…..um yeah…need I say more? Listen to what tugs at your heart…you may just be the blessing someone needs to get through the day. And refresh and rest…burning out at the top of the hill is not an option. So here are the thoughts I needed to process for myself, my preparation, and my “hopefully” words of encouragement to you. Get pumped up…this is an exciting time to be a light in the darkness.
Verses to ponder
Job 27:8 “For what hope have the godless when they are cut off, when God takes away their life?”
Psalm 9:18 “But God will never forget the needy; the hope of the afflicted will never perish.”
Psalm 25:3 “No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause.”
Psalm 31:24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.”
Psalm 42:5 “Why, my soul, are you so downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”
Psalm 62:5 “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.
Psalm 71:14” As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more”.
1 Thess. 5:8 But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet”.
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